April 3rd, 2019  

5 WAYS TO GET YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND BACK

PHOTO BY: ERIC WARD

Do you really want her back? 

Before you even go down the route of trying to get your ex-girlfriend back, it’s important to be sure that it’s what you want. Our hearts are deceptive. Sometimes they can lead us in directions that aren’t good for us or seek out the quickest, easiest panacea for the loneliness and doubt that almost always keep us company post-breakup. So how can you tell if you really want her back or if you just don’t want to feel lonely? 

First, you need to figure out why you want your ex-girlfriend back. What is it about her or yourself that makes you think that her return to your life will make it better? If you feel like you are incomplete without her, that is a problem. No man or woman should ever complete you. This co-dependence will only cause issues immediately or down the line. 

If your ex-girlfriend complimented your life, that’s a different story. What is meant by that is if she added to your life and enhanced it without being the sun that your galaxy orbited around. You can not rely on her to feel like you have meaning or purpose. That is not healthy. 

Are you simply seeking the familiarity that this person, whom you’ve already shared a large portion of your life with? We all enjoy the familiar. Because it comes with comfort. Sometimes, however, comfort stifles growth. You need to decide if the familiarity of this woman is worth sacrificing the new experiences and new people you may meet by simply moving on.

Do you still love her, or do you want things to go back to the way they were? Break-ups hurt. There’s no getting around that. It’s a nasty fact of life. Sometimes when it happens, especially considering your living situation, it can feel like your whole world has blown up. So that urge to return to the ways things were becomes extremely intense. Much of that has to do with our tendency as a species to look back on our memories with rose-colored glasses. Were things perfect the way they were? 

You and your girlfriend must have broken up for a reason. Are you only remembering all the good times and completely ignoring what didn’t work? Don’t feel bad. Most of us do that. This is especially true when it comes to someone you did or still do love. 

It’s amazing what we can overlook when we feel heartache. Did your girlfriend treat you right? Did you two constantly argue? Did one or both of you cheat? Did what the two of you want in Lifeline up? No relationship is perfect, especially a romantic one. So you need to ask yourself if these problems that led to the end of the relationship are fixable or if they were insurmountable. Then you need to ask yourself if it’s worth it. 

Putting aside the heartache and loneliness that you are feeling, is your life better without her? I know it might be hard to even consider the possibility that you’re better off without her, this woman that you still love. But you’re doing yourself a disservice if you don’t figure that out. Love can obscure our vision and perception. If it’s hard to discern this mentally, take out a pen and paper and make a list. Go over the upsides and downsides of having her in your life. Think about the freedoms that come with being single. Think about the fulfillment that comes with sharing your life with someone else. You need to weigh the pros and cons. 

Lastly, check your ego. Being broken up with and even being the one ending a relationship can affect one’s ego and self-esteem. Essentially it’s confirmation that you are not enough for your girlfriend. Or she is not enough for you. 

Do you want to get back together to help heal that wound in your pride and sense of self? If so, do not do it. It’s not fair to her or yourself. It’s up to you to keep your ego in check. And the moment you pawn that responsibility off onto someone else, you’re not an emotionally healthy person. Knowing that she’s started to move on or maybe met another guy just intensifies these negative feelings. On the flip side, do not get back together with your ex-girlfriend just because you think you’ll be helping her. That’s even more unhealthy and unfair.

With all this said, you may truly have the best of intentions and reasons to try and get your ex-girlfriend back. If that’s the case, you have a tough road ahead. But if you love her, no road is long or rough enough to stop you from trying. Here are five ways you can attempt to bring this person back into your life. 

#1. Self-Reflection/ Repairs

Before you can start your mission of getting your ex-girlfriend back, you need to take stock of the relationship. Being honest with yourself is the most important part of this step. What led to the breakup? 

Did you put enough effort into the relationship? This is a hard question to ask, but an important one. None of us want to believe that we didn’t put in the work. But just like what was stated earlier, comfort can be a dangerous thing. Maybe you needed to take her out more? Was the amount of work evenly distributed between the two of you, or was one party pulling most of the weight? Perhaps a lack of ambition became a problem. 

Identify the things that you did (or did not) do that led to the relationship ending. This can be done through self-reflection. Or, if you can, ask her. Your ex-girlfriend will be able to give you the clearest picture of what you were lacking. 

Here’s an article by Tina Fey that might help you identify what you did wrong in your relationship. https://loveconnection.org/what-am-i-doing-wrong-in-my-relationship/

Once you’ve identified your part in the fall of your relationship, it’s time to improve yourself. Before trying to get your ex-girlfriend, you must be a better version of yourself. After all, why would she even entertain the idea of taking you back if you didn’t do any work to make yourself a better partner? That shows a complete lack of care at worst and complete cluelessness at best. 

Start with bettering yourself physically. It doesn’t matter how in shape you are, you can always do more. This isn’t just to make yourself more physically attractive. This step helps you mentally. It can also help repair the damage the breakup did to your ego. Simply put, it can make you feel better about yourself. 

If one of the problems in your relationship had to do with a lack of ambition, make a concerted effort to progress. Create life and career goals and pursue them. Most women don’t necessarily care about what job you have, as long as you have one. There’s this fallacy that the fairer sex are all gold diggers. But what most women do like is a partner who strives to better themselves. It’s very hard to be attracted to someone comfortable living in stagnation.  

Go out of your way in your everyday life to be more thoughtful. It’s a fair bet that the vast majority of women appreciate thoughtfulness. If you return to your ex-girlfriend as a more generous, thoughtful person, I’m willing to put money on a more positive outcome. That can come in many forms, from apologizing for your part in the breakup to doing the things that you wouldn’t have before without ever being asked. Thoughtfulness is one way of showing that you care.

One option to consider seriously is therapy. The idea of having to see a mental health professional can be off-putting to men for obvious reasons. Putting aside the stigma that often comes with it, most people don’t want to feel like they’re too mentally weak to handle their issues themselves. This is all nonsense. Not only is there nothing wrong with seeking help, but sometimes it’s the right thing to do. 

#2. Patience

Much like many things in life, you can’t force your way back into your ex-girlfriend’s life. Nor can she force herself into yours. Be patient and recognize that some things simply take time. 

There’s a good chance that your ex-girlfriend will need some time to think about not only the relationship but her own life. Give her the space she needs to do so. Try to resist the urge to contact her incessantly. It won’t help your cause. 

Post-break-up is always a confusing time. If your relationship didn’t end on a bad or contentious note, she would most likely be wrestling with conflicting feelings. You both loved each other. Otherwise, the relationship never would have gotten to that point to begin with. She’ll need some time to process the sense of loss, lingering love, and finding herself again. 

Being patient doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t contact your ex-girlfriend for years. Use your better judgment. Figure out when and how contacting her is appropriate. Again, don’t force it. Whatever you do, do not give her ultimatums. And don’t pressure her into deciding whether you two should get back together. That’s a recipe for disaster. 

#3. Space

Hand-in-hand with patience is the necessity for giving your ex-girlfriend some space. You may think that reminding her of yourself will help your cause. It likely won’t. It may be antithetical to the goal you’re trying to achieve. 

More likely than not, your ex-girlfriend will want some space and some separation to allow herself the necessary time to decompress and reflect. Help yourself, give it to her. Maybe it’s time to mute or unfollow her on social media. Keep any contact to a bare minimum until it’s time to talk about your feelings for her. Do not show up where she lives or where she works. 

Time and space will give your ex-girlfriend time to truly think about things. You need to accept that this can hurt your cause or hurt it. But you can not change that outcome for the positive, only the negative. 

#4. Move on

This may sound counter-productive, but trying to move on can help your cause. No woman wants to feel like you’re counting on her to live your life. Making steps to try and get over your lost relationship can bring her back to you. 

If your ex-girlfriend hears that you got a better job, got in really good shape, or are dating, it stokes regret and jealousy. Don’t get us wrong. In no way is using these things to manipulate her a good thing. You should do this with the intent of actually moving on. Enticing her to come back to you is just a possible positive effect. And if it doesn’t entice her, well, you’re still better off. Trying to move on is always a win-win. 

#5. Tell Her How You Feel

So you’ve done one through four on this list. What’s next? Well, to get your ex-girlfriend back, you need to tell her that you still love her. You need to tell her that you want to get back together. How you do this is important. 

The biggest thing to avoid while expressing your feelings is trying to make her feel bad or guilty. This is especially true if she’s the one who wants to break up. Make it clear that the last thing you want to do is put pressure on her. You will put pressure on her. That’s unavoidable in this situation. But you should go out of your way to try and ease that burden. One way to do so is to assure her that you’ll accept her decision, no matter what it is. Stand by that promise.

Choose a comfortable place to express your feelings for her. Whether it’s a restaurant or coffee shop, you both know, a park, or one of your places, this is important. There’s always the distinct chance that this conversation won’t go as you hope. So it’s good that both of you have an easy out and that negative emotions don’t take over. 

Whatever the outcome, I hope that it’s the right one. Even if you follow all these steps and your ex-girlfriend doesn’t want to get back together, these lessons will help you come out better in the end. And please try to remember your worth has nothing to do with anyone else. You are enough, and there is someone out there who will recognize and love that about you.